You May Hate Your Husband Postpartum... But It Will Pass

My friend M. has always been the one I turn to for advice about pregnancy, children and life. She is happily married with 2 beautiful children. I remember like it was yesterday her telling me: Don't make any life changing decisions in the first two months after your baby arrives. You will hate your husband, but I promise it will pass and you will love him again... eventually.

I remember laughing a bit and thinking that although she was usually right, this time she was wrong. My husband is amazing, attentive, affectionate, goes out of his way for me, and will be the best father ever. There is no way I could hate him.  

Fast forward a few weeks, baby arrives, we're in baby bliss. I am looking at the man who helped me create this beautiful and perfect little baby and I am thinking to myself that M. was totally wrong. How could anything ruin this perfect moment? My husband turns to me with this loving look in his eyes, opens his mouth and says: ."Sweetie I'm tired. I'm going to go to bed".

He. Is. Tired.

I pushed out an 8 pound baby that I carried around for 9 months (during which I didn't have a single good night sleep). I am breast feeding this screaming and colicky baby every 1 hour. I have stitches in my you know what that ache every time I breathe, and He. Is. Tired. I may have thrown something at him at that moment... It honestly is such a blur I don't remember, and unfortunately, it went downhill from there for the next 2 months. When I talk to the new moms around me, they all have different variations of the issues that I faced, but ultimately we all had the same sentiment: how were we crazy enough to marry our husbands and how do we get out of this marriage. I'll blame some of the hatred on the exhaustion and the hormones... but a lot of it is really because our husbands are just sometimes really clueless.

If I sum up the top idiotic things that our husbands did/said, it would include the following: 

1. "Hunny the baby is crying and won't stop. Here, you take him... you know what to do!"

2. "I heard the baby crying all night... did you manage to sleep?" - yes. I slept through the high-pitched screaming of a newborn... said no mom EVER.

3. "It's so hard going to work when you have a newborn at home" - oh yeah? It's hard being able to pee when you want, and have adult conversations and to sit in your quiet office and gather your thoughts?

4. While the baby is screaming his head off "Is everything ok up there? Why is the baby crying" - for the same reason he's been crying since he was born you idiot.

5. "Your pregnancy wasn't that bad... we should have another one" - because you carried around a watermelon in your stomach that pushed on your sciatic nerve and gave you nausea that rivalled the worst hangover you've ever had? And you then pushed out that watermelon? I thought so.

6. "Can you please turn down the baby monitor. I'm trying to sleep and the noise from the baby is keeping me awake" (you may throw a pillow at his head when he says that one)

7. "I'm going to go for dinner with my friends while the baby sleeps... is that ok?" - ok so first off, the baby doesn't sleep. Second, no. It's not ok. I want us to suffer together.

8. "Sweetie the baby is crying! Are you going to go see what's wrong?" - thanks for letting me know! I was momentarily deaf and didn't hear the screaming baby down the hall. Let me run faster so that you aren't bothered by his crying.

9. "You're so lucky you're on mat leave. Where do I sign up? It is so much easier to be home than to go to work" - when he says that one, I recommend leaving him with the baby for 1 day while your cell phone is turned off. That's all it will take, and I guarantee you will never hear that again.

10. " Why are you so tired? Just sleep when the baby sleeps!" - yes... and all the laundry will magically get done, and the dog will get walked, and the groceries will appear in the fridge.

Being a new mom is such a whirlwind of emotions and unfortunately your husband will never understand what you are going through. He will never understand the shock of seeing your own body postpartum, he won't understand the surging hormones, he won't understand the exhaustion, and he definitely won't understand the physical recovery from labour and breast feeding. 

I promise you however, that as things get easier with the baby and you start to fall into a routine, your husband will be able to contribute more and he will get on your nerves less (I didn't say not at all... just less). You will start to remember why you fell in love with him.... until the next baby arrives :)

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Things You Need to STOP Saying to Pregnant Women

Being pregnant is not easy for most women. While we all have that one friend who loves being pregnant and misses their belly, for the most part, especially near the end, it's miserable and we just want that little baby in our arms. The hormones, the weight gain, the nausea, the sleepless nights... I could go on and on. I remember everyone getting on my nerves near the end of my pregnancy and it was usually because of what they said. When I used to vent to my friends who had been pregnant or who were pregnant, they all could sympathize because the same stupid things were said to them too. Below is our list of what you need to stop saying to pregnant women. Feel free to add any that we've missed in the comment section at the bottom! 

1. "I feel so huge today" - Oh yeah? I haven't seen my vagina in months because my belly is so big and I have cellulite on my back (YES... ON MY BACK). Please tell me more about how your jeans feel a little tight.

2. "Oh my God you're getting so big!" -  I hadn't noticed that my belly looked like a basket ball and that I could no longer see my feet... I thought that was from the beer that I haven't had in months. I'm glad you were able to point that out for me. What would I do without you?

3. "Are you scared about your delivery?" - No not at all... I mean who doesn't want to push out a watermelon through their vagina? Or even better... have major abdominal surgery if the watermelon doesn't fit! It sounds like great Friday night fun to me! (insert eye rolling)

4. "Can I touch your belly" - No. And now you've just made things awkward.

** On a side note - I know that some women really don't mind this, but it was always strange to me and to many of my friends. I've never quite understood the fascination with touching a pregnant woman's belly. What exactly are you looking for? To see if it's real? To see if it's weirdly shaped? To see if I'm ready to explode (because I am)? And what am I supposed to do while you're touching my belly? Smile and pretend it feels good? Ask for a snack in return like at a petting zoo? My friend M. has a funny way of dealing with unwelcomed belly touching from women... when they grab her belly, she grabs their boob and waits for a reaction. Tit for Tat I guess... literally (and this is why I love her so much).

5. "Omg you're pregnant! I didn't know you were trying!" - OMG I'm so sorry I forgot to email you my unprotected sex schedule. I'll add you to the mailing list next time.
My favorite reply to this statement was always (and of course with a straight face): We weren't trying. It was an accident. 

6. During the 9th month of pregnancy "How are you feeling?" - Well... I LOVE not being able to see my feet or my vagina but thankfully the baby keeps kicking my cervix to remind me that it's still there! And the heartburn is just the icing on the cake - I want to be 9 months pregnant FOREVER (yeah definitely not).

7. "Did you just run here? You're all flushed"  - NO. I can barely walk, forget running. It's called being pregnant. I'm overweight, hormonal, and I sweat from just thinking about walking to the fridge. 

8. "Omg are you pregnant?" - If you have to ask this - then you probably shouldn't, or you should have a great response for that awkward moment when I tell you that I'm in fact NOT pregnant. I had fun doing that when I was pregnant because it annoyed me to no end when someone would ask me during week 38 of my pregnancy if I was expecting. I'm just pushing out my belly as far as I can and waddling for the fun of it. I love walking like a penguin. Doesn't everyone?

9. "I had such a rough day... I need a drink" - Really? Rough day? I have a baby using my ribs as a punching bag, I got stuck on the toilet and needed help getting up, I literally had to ROLL out of bed this morning, I am sweating so much I feel like I'm going through menopause, my husband has to put on my shoes for me because I can't bend down, and I'm pretty sure I just peed myself. Yet here I sit, with no drink. Please tell me more about your rough day.

All in all, please be sensitive when speaking to a pregnant woman... especially near the end. With all of our hormones, you will always have a 50% chance of upsetting us.... so your safest bet is to just say: You look fantastic today and leave it at that. :)

You May Hate Your Husband Postpartum... But It Will Pass

My friend M. has always been the one I turn to for advice about pregnancy, children and life. She is happily married with 2 beautiful children. I remember like it was yesterday her telling me: Don't make any life changing decisions in the first two months after your baby arrives. You will hate your husband, but I promise it will pass and you will love him again... eventually.

I remember laughing a bit and thinking that although she was usually right, this time she was wrong. My husband is amazing, attentive, affectionate, goes out of his way for me, and will be the best father ever. There is no way I could hate him.  

Fast forward a few weeks, baby arrives, we're in baby bliss. I am looking at the man who helped me create this beautiful and perfect little baby and I am thinking to myself that M. was totally wrong. How could anything ruin this perfect moment? My husband turns to me with this loving look in his eyes, opens his mouth and says: ."Sweetie I'm tired. I'm going to go to bed".

He. Is. Tired.

I pushed out an 8 pound baby that I carried around for 9 months (during which I didn't have a single good night sleep). I am breast feeding this screaming and colicky baby every 1 hour. I have stitches in my you know what that ache every time I breathe, and He. Is. Tired. I may have thrown something at him at that moment... It honestly is such a blur I don't remember, and unfortunately, it went downhill from there for the next 2 months. When I talk to the new moms around me, they all have different variations of the issues that I faced, but ultimately we all had the same sentiment: how were we crazy enough to marry our husbands and how do we get out of this marriage. I'll blame some of the hatred on the exhaustion and the hormones... but a lot of it is really because our husbands are just sometimes really clueless.

If I sum up the top idiotic things that our husbands did/said, it would include the following: 

1. "Hunny the baby is crying and won't stop. Here, you take him... you know what to do!"

2. "I heard the baby crying all night... did you manage to sleep?" - yes. I slept through the high-pitched screaming of a newborn... said no mom EVER.

3. "It's so hard going to work when you have a newborn at home" - oh yeah? It's hard being able to pee when you want, and have adult conversations and to sit in your quiet office and gather your thoughts?

4. While the baby is screaming his head off "Is everything ok up there? Why is the baby crying" - for the same reason he's been crying since he was born you idiot.

5. "Your pregnancy wasn't that bad... we should have another one" - because you carried around a watermelon in your stomach that pushed on your sciatic nerve and gave you nausea that rivalled the worst hangover you've ever had? And you then pushed out that watermelon? I thought so.

6. "Can you please turn down the baby monitor. I'm trying to sleep and the noise from the baby is keeping me awake" (you may throw a pillow at his head when he says that one)

7. "I'm going to go for dinner with my friends while the baby sleeps... is that ok?" - ok so first off, the baby doesn't sleep. Second, no. It's not ok. I want us to suffer together.

8. "Sweetie the baby is crying! Are you going to go see what's wrong?" - thanks for letting me know! I was momentarily deaf and didn't hear the screaming baby down the hall. Let me run faster so that you aren't bothered by his crying.

9. "You're so lucky you're on mat leave. Where do I sign up? It is so much easier to be home than to go to work" - when he says that one, I recommend leaving him with the baby for 1 day while your cell phone is turned off. That's all it will take, and I guarantee you will never hear that again.

10. " Why are you so tired? Just sleep when the baby sleeps!" - yes... and all the laundry will magically get done, and the dog will get walked, and the groceries will appear in the fridge.

Being a new mom is such a whirlwind of emotions and unfortunately your husband will never understand what you are going through. He will never understand the shock of seeing your own body postpartum, he won't understand the surging hormones, he won't understand the exhaustion, and he definitely won't understand the physical recovery from labour and breast feeding. 

I promise you however, that as things get easier with the baby and you start to fall into a routine, your husband will be able to contribute more and he will get on your nerves less (I didn't say not at all... just less). You will start to remember why you fell in love with him.... until the next baby arrives :)

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5 Things I Wish I Knew Before I Was Pregnant

Pregnancy for new moms is a world of unknown. No amount of reading, blog searching and talking to friends will ever prepare you for what's in store - which is in part because every pregnancy is SO different. Even women who have more than 1 child will attest that no 2 pregnancies are the same. Some women are blessed to have easy, stretch mark-free pregnancies, while others are on the opposite end of the spectrum. As a first time mom, I thought I was prepared for pregnancy but looking back, there are definitely things I wish I would have known! Hopefully my list helps you future mommies!

1. You will experience raging emotions for no reason at all

I remember calling my very pregnant friend M. one day and her telling me she had just finished crying uncontrollably because she had ordered a hamburger and they forgot to put on mustard. At the time I thought she was a bit nuts and laughed to myself about how I would NEVER be that crazy. I don't even really PMS so I was sure that pregnancy hormones would be a breeze to control. Fast forward 3 years, and I found myself on my kitchen floor sobbing because my 4 year old scratched and old leather boots had rust on the buckle LOL. Totally irrational. I remember my husband walking in on me with a look of panic on his face until he understood why I was crying... he then started laughing at me which made me sob even more. 

There is absolutely nothing you can do about the overwhelming surge of hormones and emotions that will hit you at one point during your pregnancy- and its ok! Just accept the ride and hope for the best. I think that acknowledging that you are a bit nuts will help save your marriage and sanity. I have a few pregnant friends who tried hiding their craziness and taking to them now, they confirm that it only made things worse for them. I woke up some mornings and told my husband:  brace yourself - today will be an emotional day. He then knew to be EXTRA nice and to bring me home snacks and food in order to try to avoid a full blown meltdown :). I think that warning your significant other, work colleagues, and even friends that you aren't in the best mood certain days is a great way to guarantee some understanding if you snap or seem a bit emotional. You can't expect people to know how you're feeling, so don't be shy to speak up!

2. You won't be prepared for the ways in which your body will change

When I found out I was pregnant, I expected the big belly that would eventually come and I expected my boobs to grow a little bit.. I mean that's normal when they fill up with milk for breast feeding right? What I didn't expect was everything else. I found my body changing on a daily basis and Google was the only one who I felt I could turn to for my embarrassing (but totally normal) changes. Time and time again, Google (and later on my OBGYN) reassured me that these changes were all part of the wonderful journey of pregnancy. I'll go into further detail in a different blog post, but a quick summary of the main changes that I experienced were: pigmentation changes under my arms, groin, and belly, larger feet (PERMANENTLY), super painful and sensitive breasts, painful joints, sciatica nerve pain, excruciating heart burn and hang over-like nausea. 

3. Don't plan your pregnancy journey ahead of time - it might disappoint you.

I started off my pregnancy by exercising 4 times a week, drinking healthy smoothies, I stocked up my fridge with fruits and veggies... I was doing everything right. 8 weeks in, the nausea hit. The only thing that stopped my throwing up was greasy food, and since the nausea was 24/7... so was my intake of cheeseburgers. Along with my nausea, also came swelling. Not the typical type of swelling that often accompanies the end of pregnancy, but the type of swelling that made it impossible to wear shoes, rings, watches and even necklaces! Can you imagine how swollen you have to be to not be able to wear a pendant necklace!? Because of the swelling and apparently the position of my baby, I had horrible sciatica pain and couldn't walk, sit or sleep. I started seeing a massage therapist to help with the pain, but it forced me to stop going to the gym. Because of all the swelling, the greasy food and my lack of exercising, you can guess what followed next: stretch marks. I couldn't believe it. I was always skeptical about whether oils and lotions worked to prevent stretch marks but I figured it couldn't hurt, so I bought the entire aisle at the drug store and used every product religiously during my pregnancy. My mom had no stretch marks from when she was pregnant so I was sure that I was in the clear. NOPE. The lovely stretch marks on my stomach decided to show up at week 37 (just when I thought I had made it through pregnancy without them). All this to say that I had a plan when I started my pregnancy: I was going to be healthy, eat healthy and love life, but everything slowly fell apart. I felt an immense amount of disappointment for not being able to have the dream type of pregnancy that I so often saw on Instagram. I was pissed off that I was fat, in pain and generally unhappy, but there was unfortunately nothing I could do. The swelling made me high risk and I was soon not even allowed to go to work. I was never able to go back to the gym, and even now postpartum, my doctor after 8 weeks has finally given me the OK to start again. I had this vision of a perfect pregnancy in my head and I feel that it made my reality that much more disappointing. There isn't much I could have done differently, and for my next pregnancy, I'll make sure to have lower expectations (the only one being to have a healthy baby).

4. Nesting is a real thing and it will hit you like a ton of bricks

I imagine nesting feels a little different to every mama, but for me, it was an overwhelming sense of urgency to have the baby room set up and to have everything perfect. It was a physical, emotional and mental obsession that I couldn't get rid of. I was due March 4th (baby Zane came a bit early on Feb 28th) and my nesting hit full force around January. Before then, I was in no real rush to have anything ready. I was actually extremely tired during my pregnancy and the idea of setting anything up beyond the crib was exhausting. When my nesting kicked it, I all of a sudden started setting up cabinets and dressers and going to baby stores and buying chairs (obviously waiting for my husband to help me was out of the question... that was too logical for my mommy brain). I spent hours every day washing clothes, scrubbing the floor, dusting - and it wasn't limited to the baby room. I all of a sudden had a compulsion to re-organize my entire house. From top to bottom, no drawer would be left unturned. In retrospect - and for my next baby, knowing that this urge is coming, I will definitely make sure to start before I am 7 months pregnant. Have you ever heard of the saying: slow and steady wins the race? I think this applies to anything to do with pregnancy LOL. The farther along in your pregnancy you get, the harder moving becomes and you will constantly feel out of breath - so the smaller the belly the easier it will all be :). 

5. Your husband might disappoint you (ok he definitely will) at some point.

Let me start off by saying that I have the most amazing hubby. I am super fortunate and he really did try his best to make my pregnancy as easy as possible for me. I didn't lift a finger (until the nesting started LOL) my entire pregnancy and he really did try his best to not disappoint... but lets face it... they aren't and never will be pregnant. Your husband will never understand what it feels like to have a human growing inside of you. He won't understand why you're so tired and although he'll try, he won't understand why its so depressing when you find your first stretch mark. He won't understand why you're so sad about gaining weight - he'll tell you you're beautiful and that you're pregnant so it's normal. Your husband may also not get as excited as you for the big baby milestones. I remember my hubby came with me to my first few ultrasound appointments but after that lost interest until he could hold his son in his arms. I also remember running to him the first time the baby kicked and him not really understanding why I was so excited. My piece of advice to you is to try to not kill him LOL. Because attempting to strangle him won't make him understand and although it'll help you relieve some stress momentarily, you'll need him shortly after to go get you some ice cream from the freezer!

xox Tovah

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